9:47AM: heard dad move around and coffee start dripping. want another cigarette. want to just turn this in as my ‘everything i owe to everyone.’ just remembered title of everclear song incorrectly as ‘everything to everyone.’ no wait, that’s right i think. maybe it is time to try the grocery store again. feel like if it were sunny outside and i was waking to my cats walking on my stomach on a mattress near the smell of a person i like, things would be different. think that’s all i want. i don’t even want sex that much, i just want to always be near the smell of someone i like, whose presence is like equal parts ‘hallucinogen’ and ‘antidepressant’ and ‘anxiolytic,’ like i can just look at them and think ‘great, now they’re here, time for me to sit back and listen to all the surprises.’ that sounds lazy maybe. i want them to want a person like that too so i can be like that for them too. doesn’t seem real or possible. think i’m always on the verge of experiencing one of two extremes about other people. have experienced these rare insane manic connections, like ‘beyond my wildest dreams’-style connections, which i’ve probably only felt so intensely because i’ve wanted to feel that way (often remember things and think ‘you were just ignoring something so you could feel something else’). on a chart about how i feel most of the time most of my dots would be in the middle-to-‘opposite of intensely connected to people’ spectrum. when the opposite thing feels extreme it also seems attributable to disappointments about close relationships, but think it for real only involves other people to the extent that my ideas about their intentions are caused by this arcane primal fear that always seems to be experiencing itself over and over from some hidden location in me, syncing infrequently with my awareness, more often surfacing as a vague and nearly-constant desire to apologize for something i’ve done, will probably do, or have already and unstoppably been doing ‘this whole time,’ just by being alive. but neither of those feelings, even the extreme connection thing, have anything to do with other people, i don’t think. they are both supposed to be feelings about other people but they are both about me. think it’s impossible for me to be close with someone in the way i think i want to be, or that most people are, or that i’ve thought i’ve been or something. the ‘sit back and listen to all the surprises’ thing seems more hopeful than the ‘maintaining extreme closeness over time’ thing, for me. like, if there’s going to be anything. actually it might be the same thing. i don’t know. like ‘even when i’m so connected i’m always so alone and so tortured by a fear which cannot be expressed clearly’ or whatever it is i’m saying with this bullshit—like, what is the point? would it logically follow that the the point of ‘feeling connected’ to someone would be to just continue feeling so similar that you eventually sort of become them, but then you’d just be the same thing, which is the same thing as being alone? MAN FUCK THIS SHIT MAN LISTEN TO THIS BITCH OVER HERE, ACTIN ALL LIKE IT’S 9:47AM BUT IT’S 1:51PM AND SHE TWERKIN ON ADDERALL AND NO SLEEP TRYNA MAKE A FUCKIN SHIT ASS SENTENCE MAKE SENSE THAT DON’T EVEN MATTER LIKE WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW BITCH, NICE SENTENCE, WHERE THAT $1,000,000,000,000 CHECK? WHERE THAT PENTHOUSE AT? AIN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO WIN THE GRAMMYS OR SOME SHIT NOW YOU BITCH ASS WRITIN THIS GODDAMNED SENTENCE FOR TWO HOURS? HM? SMELL YOUR GODDAMN ARMPIT. THAT’S RIGHT. SMELL ON THAT A MINUTE. MMHMM. THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. YEAH I THINK IT’S TIME TO GO TO THAT GROCERY STORE. I THINK IT’S TIME TO GO TO THAT FUCKIN GROCERY STORE FUCKIN SEVEN HOURS AGO WHEN YOU WAS ALL ‘TEEHEE GOING TO GET A STAPLER AND A FOLDER NOW BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT I WANT AND NEED OH BOY LOOK AT ME GO!’ YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T LOOK IN A MIRROR SOON BECAUSE BITCH, IF I SEE YOU LOOKIN BACK AT ME, YOU AND ME IS BOTH IN PIECES. P-I-E-C-E-S. I THINK YOU KNOW I AIN’T TALKING REESES BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, FUCK YOU YOU STUPID SKINNY ASS HO, GETTIN ALL PROUD WHEN YOU BE STARVIN YOUR SKINNY ASS SAYIN ‘IT’S HEALTHY’ OR SOME SHIT. I WANNA STRAIGHT UP X-RAY THE SHIT OUT YOUR HEALTHY ASS ROTTEN ASS DIGESTIVE TRACK, SHOW A BITCH WHAT HEALTHY IS. GET Y’ALL FUCKED UP STOMACH AND ‘TESTINES UP HERE ON THE COUCH WITH ME SO YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF ALL THEM HOLES YOU BE MAKIN THAT GOT YOU SIPPIN ON THAT ANTACID! BITCH—NOW I KNOW YOUR ASS GOT NO PLACE TO GO BUT THE FLOOR AND NOT CAUSE YOU AT THE CLUB—AND YEAH, SOMETHIN BOUT YOUR LEGS UH, THEY JUST NASTY, UH, I DON’T KNOW, SHIT DON’T LOOK HUMAN TO ME PERSONALLY—BUT GET THAT SHIT TOGETHER! THAT SHIT’S THE ONLY SHIT YOU GOT! YOU STUCK IN THIS SHIT! OH YOU WHININ WITH SOME LONG SENTENCES BOUT HOW YOU SO LONELY OH YOU SO SAD AND ALONE I SEE UH WELL UH, UH, SEE HERE M’AM, YOU ARE USING DRUGS TO THE EXTENT, UH, M’AM, ALSO WITH THIS UH, YOU SEE, THIS UH, M’AM YOU EAT THIS FOOD AND THEN YOU VOMIT, THEN UH, THE LAXATIVES, YOU SEE? M’AM, AND THE CIGARETTES? UH, M’AM, AND FOR HOW MANY YEARS? YOU SEE WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS M’AM? M’AM? OKAY GREAT GLAD YOU SEE, GLAD YOU SEE, OKAY. GREAT. GREAT, WELL THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN IN AN EFFORT TO TELL YOU THAT IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY. IF YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW YOU WILL SEE THE CAR WE HAVE PREPARED. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE? THIS JOB? YOU TOOK THIS JOB, REMEMBER? YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL FAMOUS ACTOR? YEAH MAN. HELL YEAH MAN! FIVE YEARS MAN, WELCOME BACK! YOU JUST GOT SO DEEP INTO THIS ROLE. METHOD ACTING. YEAH. YOU GOT SO DEEP INTO METHOD ACTING ‘THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY OF MEGAN BOYLE’ THAT YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN IDENTITY. RELENTLESS, MAN. YOU. ARE. RELENTLESS. YOU EVEN CONVINCED YOURSELF YOU OVERDOSED AND KILLED YOURSELF IN SOME APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN—TO IDENTIFY WITH HER, WE THINK. WE THINK THAT’S WHY YOU DID THAT. YEAH, IT’S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU’VE TALKED TO ANYONE. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A ‘BATMAN’ MOVIE. NO, NO, THAT OTHER GUY ISN’T REAL, WE DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DID THAT, SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING YOU MADE UP THIS OTHER VERSION OF YOURSELF—THIS ALTERNATE MEDIA REALITY OR SOMETHING—IT’S COMPLICATED, I DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND THIS—YOU CONVINCED YOURSELF YOU WERE THE ‘YOU’ YOU THOUGHT YOUR CHARACTER WANTED TO SEE. RELENTLESS. AND I MEAN, SAD STORY AND ALL BUT SHE REALLY DIDN’T SEE THINGS TOO UH, HOW DO YOU SAY, ‘CLEARLY,’ HAHA, AM I RIGHT? YOU JUST NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND. YEAH MAN. THERE’S A LINE IN THE MOVIE, SHE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE ‘WHY ARE YOU SO SERIOUS?’ YOU REALLY TOOK OFF WITH THAT. YOU DIDN’T GET WHY SHE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW, WITH HER BEING SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME. SO THEN YOU MADE UP THIS THING ABOUT HOW THERE WAS A NEW ‘BATMAN’ MOVIE AND HER REAL MOTIVATION IN THE SCENE WAS ALL ABOUT HOW SHE THOUGHT SHE SOUNDED LIKE AN IDIOT MISQUOTING THE JOKER, PLAYED BY YOU, WHO WAS ALSO HER, IN HER MIND, AND NONE OF YOU WERE ACTING ANYTHING LIKE JACK NICHOLSON. MAN IT’S SOME CRAZY SHIT. YOU GOTTA SEE THE TAPES. FUCKING 2008 MAN, IT’S BEEN A LONG ASS TIME! GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK!
