Sam Pink’s ‘Ask the Asshole Advice Column’ #1

Question from an anonymous reader:

   Dear Sam Pink,

   How do I get girls to notice me?

SAM PINK: I’m very glad to be asked, thank you. You have done the right thing by asking me, and I will now tell you. Here are some ways I’ve noticed work for getting noticed by a girl/woman 😉

1. Stand directly in front of her. No girl/woman can overlook you if you stand right in front of her. She literally cannot see through your physical existence. If she moves one way, move that way with her. Simple, and fun!

2. If she’s not close by, then obviously yelling is good. Women, exactly like men, will respond to something startling or potentially harmful, etc. For instance, you’re in public and the girl you like is like twenty-three feet away, just scream. She will almost always immediately look. Involuntarily. For bonus points, try screaming her name and then, look out player, cause you’re getting the attention your needy ass needs. 😉

3. Kill part of/her entire family. A lot of women are close to their families. Once one member of her family or all of them are killed, she’s gonna wanna know who did it. And guess what Einstein, if it’s you, she’s gonna notice! A variation of this is to damage her property.

4. Be attractive. This one is either or, but if you are, look out! If you aren’t, kill yourself/doesn’t matter.

5. Quit asking another man how.

6. Clearly, humorously, and sincerely interact, you boring asshole.

7. This one seems obvious but you’d be surprised: be washing/waxing her car when she exits her home. There she is, coming out of her home and sees someone washing/waxing her car, (maybe shirtless? see 4). Women notice people who are cleaning their property without permission. She’s going to have to talk to you.

8. Buy a simple greeting card at the store and on the inside write, ‘hey I want you to notice me (followed by address)’ and hand it to a girl you want to notice you. Then walk away. If she comes over, cool. if not, hey, cool. It’s cool.

9. Buy advertising for yourself. With even a little funding, you can buy physical space for images and ideas about yourself to be displayed. This works secretly on the minds of women, who will obviously want to notice you more after noticing you that little bit.

10. I don’t know/don’t think about it.