I once fucked a ballerina. We were at a party. She told me it was her birthday and offered me another drink. I don’t remember her name, but she had blonde hair and was really flexible.

I once went on a date with a person who was engaged to be married with someone else. I walked out after I found out about his fiancé and how angry she would be that he was out with another person. He later “dumped” me via a message on facebook. The message was delivered to my “other” inbox. I didn’t see it until a few years later and I had already forgotten who he was.

I once went on a date with an underwear model. It went well; we laughed. The next day, I got a relationship request from her. I didn’t event know her middle name. Everything moved way too fast and the sex was terrible.

I once hung out with someone who reminded me of Kurt Cobain. He was from Iceland. He taught me how to curse in his native tongue. We spent hours drinking, yelling, dancing, and smashing empty bottles on the streets of Santa Barbara.

I once dated a woman who also had black hair and lots of tattoos. She was really hot, but people kept thinking we were sisters, even though we were two very different ethnicities. It was weird.

I once had a girlfriend who hated wearing underwear/pants after shaving off her pubic hair.

I once went on a date with a woman who had five cats. When she asked if there would be a second date, I said no. I had three cats of my own, and I wasn’t ready to venture that far into crazy cat lady land.

I once watched a woman make herself squirt while I sat on a bed and pet a ferret.

I once declined to join a threesome that was happening on an armchair in the living room of a party in college because I was mesmerized by the clothed people playing twister on the floor.

I once had a girlfriend who got into a bar fight and lost a tooth.

I once had a long-term relationship with someone famous.

I once had a married woman offer to be my sugar mama but the concept made me feel real uncomfortable.

I once hit on an attractive older woman at a bar. She pat my shoulder and told me she had a daughter about my age.

I once did a lot of things, and now I just write about them.


Tiffany Scandal is a good-for-nothing broad, writer, Suicide Girl, photographer and painter. Her Second book JIGSAW YOUTH ( Ladybox Books) is out now and has earned her the acclaim of being "Lindsay Hunter's literary punk-rock sister" (The Next Best Book Club). Jigsaw Youth is now an audiobook from Talking Book.