Working in bars has re-acquainted me with professional team sports. Professional team sports are arranged to be a constant presence, such that the calendar year is nearly devoid of a day without televised professional team sports. So I’ve caught up in the last few years. But I think there are things that could increase the entertainment and help sell more ads. Let’s take a look at my proposals. Meet ya on the field! (whistle sound)
1. In football, when there is a field goal or extra point attempt, the defending team should be able to fire a player out of a cannon behind the uprights in an attempt to block the kick. Said player should be allowed to have on a giant mitt of some kind and a pool skimmer in other hand. The mechanics of firing a player at juuuuust the right time, as well as his ability to block the ball with his body/implements would make a seemingly given part of the game less certain. Would probably be really exciting to be at the game sitting behind the defending team’s upright, and yelling like, ‘shoot, shoot’ and the guy getting shot nods and flexes before getting into the canon, which is run by a cheerleader with a headset mic on and she says, ‘get fired up everyone!’ and everyone, myself included, gets fired up.
2. In hockey, if there’s a penalty, instead of taking a guy out for a short amount of time, that team’s goalie should have to wear dress socks instead of skates for five minutes. Honestly feel like, and I know you’re saying, ‘Now hold on there guy, this is a little too crazy.’ but I feel like it would add just the right amount of disadvantage for the penalized team, while putting the stress on the goalie’s other attributes. Everyone wins here.
3. In any sport, each team gets one quarter/period/inning in which they may play a recording of someone saying derogatory things about the other team, including making things up like, ‘(x) abuses his children nightly) etc. An alternative to this is mandating that entire sections of the crowd chant a long clear coherent sentence about a team, like, ‘[team] is a bad team and no one likes that team because they are not good’ or maybe just chanting, ‘eh! eh! eh!’ for a long period of time in perfect and equally loud intervals. Or like, ‘hey, [player] fuck you dummy hahaha!’
4. In football, the ball should have a small razor attached to it in the third quarter. I feel like this would create a greater sense of urgency and fear, thereby making any accomplishment on the field that much greater. Should I catch the ball? Also, the ball could be used to cut someone who is trying to tackle you, creates an interesting pile-up tension, etc. I won’t overstate the obvious appeal of attaching a razor to the ball. (And hey, second quarter, first quarter, I don’t care just give me something.) 😉
5. In baseball, they should just not have baseball, at all.
6. In all sports they should only hire blind referees. that way when an asshole yells about the ref maybe being blind, someone can turn to him and be like, ‘Yeah, and it’s been a real struggle for him/her to accomplish this, so relax’ and then they’d feel bad.
7. In basketball if it’s a tie at the end, they determine the winner by whoever can make a one-armed full court shot first. This is what everyone wants to see anyway. A lot of smaller shots for an hour? Or, one fucking awesome shot and everyone goes home happy? An alternative to this would be each team selects one player who has five minutes to dunk on two defenders who can do basically whatever they want. And I mean whateeeeeeever they want.
8. Either team can always, at any point in the game, resort to a coach vs coach fistfight to determine a winner. This is the subtext to and the spectator’s idealization of the event anyway. So let’s have it. Think of the build-ups….game’s going on, whatever, stuff happening, then the coaches look at each other and it’s like, ohhhhh shit…here we go.’ And if one coach can knock the other coach out before he gets his coat off then that’s two wins against that team for the season. Which is only fair. I think it would also create a greater emphasis on coach selection. Everyone wins.
9. One game a year involves a ‘life on the line’ scenario for one of the player’s family members. So the teams come out, crowd is cheering, etc., and then a voice is like, ‘but waiiiiiitt!’ and then a platform comes out with a hooded human hands tied behind them. And the voice goes, ‘tonight’s game will not only be for the win, it will also be for [player]’s aunt!’ and an executioner pulls off the hood and reveals [player]’s aunt. People like drama. It will sell ads.
10. Absolutely no pads in football except for a helmet but the helmet is mainly to hurt the other players’ padless bodies, not protect heads. Each team may also add up-to, but not to exceed, a small weight (determined by pregame pushup contest) of weaponry on the helmet, like glass, or ball bearings, or a single cue ball, a rhino horn, whatever. A certain amount of weight to be distributed however among the entire team or one player. Like maybe one guy on the defensive line with a bowling ball on his helmet, or fuck it, a bowie knife. People like drama.
11. Obviously, before free throws in basketball, the player should have to spin around with his head on the end of a wiffle ball bat against the ground no less than ten times and then try to shoot. This adds a little drama to what is otherwise considered, ‘free’….no? also, it’s funny to see a dizzy person try to do something and maybe even fall down. I like things like that and I think other people do too.
12. Each team can hire an assassin to kill the team on the way to the stadium, or attempt to break into the opposition’s locker room and assassinate them all. However, each team can also hire people to defend the locker room/hotel/bus. The fans like to see the action on the field/court, but we also like to know that these people are athletes all the time, since true athleticism requires a state of ready vigilance. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me but I stand by it.
14. No matter what happens in the game, after the game, the entire roster of each side has to take turns saying, over the sound system, what they liked about the game. I like to know that everyone is friends afterward. Plus it shows class.
15. Each player prepares a snack to hand out to someone in the crowd if they lose. If they win, they get camera time eating the snacks they prepared and gloating about the win. I like the feel of this. It’s like a nice little decompressor after all that athleticism. Plus people like free food. And you know what, I even like to see people get free food, so that’s enough for me. Plus then you can gamble on who brought what kind of snack. Everyone wins.
16. If at any point the crowd overwhelmingly decides, via voting buttons on remote controls attached to their chairs, that the game sucks, the game is over and no one gets paid. Let’s remind ourselves who’s in charge. If I don’t like what I see, fuck you. I had to sit through ten fucking doritos commercials to see this? Nah. I want my money back. Fuck that. FUCK THAT!
17. They should have a thing where a neutral timekeeper can decide at random there are only five minutes left. City funds should be gambled against other city funds with the winner’s city being able to do something cool for the city with the winnings. Let’s just embrace the dumb pride and make it about money. I would love to have another city’s money as the spoils of my city’s team beating theirs. To fix my roads with the tears of another. Plus then people might invest in the teams more. Plus then the bigger cities could monopolize and destroy the smaller ones.
18. In any sport, a penalty can be imposed by mandating a chosen member of the penalized team has to eat a huge ass bowl of chili and keep playing, no substitutes. I know what you’re thinking, ‘hey man, you getting soft on them now?’ but I think cheering while the player quickly eats the chili would be fun, plus then he’d be like ‘ohhhhh’ and hold his stomach.