Sam Pink’s Way To Improve Stuff #2 talks about some serious improvements to Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s 2015 film THE REVENANT.
1. Have the bear kill the Leonardo Di Caprio character. Like totally shred him. And then the last shot of the movie is the bear shitting out Leonardo, possibly face/head still intact and then the bear turns to the camera and smiles and says, ‘Hey, it beats chipotle!’
2. In the dream sequences, have me in a leather jacket with a small styrofoam cup of coffee approach Leonardo Di Caprio and smile and say, ‘hey, come on, pussy, you gotta kill that guy.’ Then I appear in corporal form during a crucial battle with the natives, where i’m picking them off one by one with empty King Cobra bottles, from high up in a tree.
3. Have one discreet shot of someone eating one of those cheese and cracker kits that you spread with the red stick. Like during a scene of hunter/trapper revelry, where they’re slamming their mugs together.
Just one dude eating the cheese and crackers thing.
4. Somehow add the wrestler ‘Big Boss Man‘ into the mix. Maybe like, he’s the dissenter character who says, ‘this is bullshit, we should just return to camp!’ Additionally, maybe he could get attacked by a bear too but like, obviously, beat the shit out of it.
5. At the end, have a fistfight scene between the two main characters that lasts for 30 minutes and is just repeated punches until both of their heads slowly disintegrate, with ‘let the bodies hit the floor’ playing underneath it. I’m tired of this choreographed highly improbable fight bullshit. If that’s what you’re going for, then go for it. GET SOME!
6. Title it, ‘people with frost in their beards making faces of worried determination.’ And add more shots of people, from just below the chin, looking into the distance.
7. Add in the idea that the only way to survive a cold night is for everyone to shit on each other and then add scenes where everyone is shitting on each other. People don’t know shit about history anyway, might as well fabricate a bunch of shit.
8. To spice it up, have a ‘hot’ woman in a bikini save Di Caprio from the bear attack by shooting the bear with a rocket launcher. Then The Big Boss man comes up and pours honey on her breasts and says, ‘hehe, looks like Winnie the Pooh is all pooped out!’ and spits on the bear’s corpse.
9. At some point have one of the pelt hunters saying, ‘man i’m glad we’re trying so hard to survive in these awful conditions so that people can live in abject meaningless comfort and bitch about shit on the internet and become more and more weak and uninspired and uncreative and humorless.’ Maybe include that same character waking up from a dream where two people are bitching about their mutual friends in a Starbucks.
10. When Di Caprio is recuperating, have a large horde of hermit crabs carry his body to a hot spring and sing Disney songs while washing and repairing him. Something like, ‘when a bear attacks, do not fret/come with the hermit crabs, that’s the best bet!’ etc etc. I don’t know, somebody good will write the song.
11. Needs at least ten more instances of someone walking away and then someone says something incendiary and the person walking away stops and turns his head to the side and breathes out some steam and says, ‘nnnnnwhat?!’
12. Cut away from the movie to me sitting on my couch making a face and saying, ‘what the fuck’ like at least a dozen times.
13. Take the insane amount of money these assholes use to glorify themselves and win meaningless awards and like, do anything else with it.
14. Have the bear wearing a football helmet for some reason when he attacks Leonardo.
15. Digitally add in my cat as the bear. Like scene for scene though. Just remove the bear and add my cat in.
16. Quote one of my books at the beginning and pay me 50k for it
17. Create a plotline that doesn’t uphold all of society’s bullshit ideas through cliché.